There
I was, laying atop an old and rusted drag on the third floor of
ancient Mill 1 at Farmer's Rice Co. in West Sacramento, CA – on the
verge of a complete emotional breakdown. My job for the day was to
clean all the cobwebs off the equipment and ceiling of a place that
is like a modern day dust bowl. My face was hot and moist from sweat;
sweat caused from wearing a mask that protected me from breathing in
the large quantities of dust. I could barely see out of my safety
glasses and my clothes were filthy; an everyday occurrence. My back
was in severe pain. Each time I put my left arm down to crawl across
the drag it felt like someone was shoving their hand through my chest
and out my back. I had hurt it a few days earlier playing basketball
and apparently having to crawl on all fours didn't agree with it. I
couldn't stand my job. Working in that filth everyday, cleaning
things that would be dirty again in a week at most, and having to do
it in pain... I just couldn't handle it anymore. In addition to the
tangible mess I found myself surrounded by – the emotional anguish
and severe depression I felt, were the main sources of my pain; only
exacerbated by the environment I had to deal with for over 2 years.
The sense of despair was unbearable and I seemingly had no control
over my thoughts, thoughts that had a voracious appetite for the the
negative and destructive. I couldn't stop thinking about how alone I
felt, how I couldn't seem to get out of my own way, and how much of a
waste of time life was when I couldn't even live it the way I wanted
because I was too afraid of failure. I moved slowly, painfully, down
the ladder and off the drag, and trudged towards my supervisor's
office where I laid myself off. I walked out of work that day just
before 10am break, not feeling any sense of liberation or relief,
only numbness. I went home and laid in bed for hours, in and out of
sleep, feeling sorry for myself for as long as I was conscious. It
was the worst I have ever felt my life, and I didn't know how I could
make it better. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to. A sad and hopeless
victim is what I had become, who no longer wanted to face life –
who would have rather died.
The next few days were emotionally charged and filled with a lot of
soul searching. I talked with my parents for hours trying to find
answers. I didn't want their sympathy, I legitimately wanted help. My
mom suggested I go see a doctor and I really thought about it. I
thought to myself, I'm not really that bad, just lost, so talking to
a professional could help. I figured they'd probably diagnose me as
Bi-Polar with anxiety and prescribe Zoloft or Zanax or something like
that which might put me in la-la land and help me escape my thoughts.
I never followed through with it though thankfully, as I would prefer
never to rely on drugs, prescription or not, to overcome emotional
issues. Over the next couple of weeks, I gradually started to feel
better and back to my old sarcastic self. I had gone through phases
like that before where I would get really depressed for a little
while and then snap out of it, but it had never been that bad. Even
though I was happy I was feeling better, I knew I hadn't resolved my
issues so I was wary about the return of those uncontrollable
feelings. Shortly thereafter however, a miracle came in the form of
an audiotape called, "The Power of Now", by Eckhart Tolle.
It was given to me by a friend who had been in a worse situation than
I, and in his words told me, "I've read a lot of books man, but
this book – this book is the truth." He had given me a book
once before that was quite enlightening, so I trusted his judgment. I
had no idea however that what I was about to read, and one particular
experience I would have while reading, would change not only my life
and virtually rid me of depressive thoughts, but also take me on a
spiritual journey unlike anything I'd ever experienced and completely
reform my view of the world.
Within
five minutes of listening to the audiotape I was captivated. The
concepts I was being introduced to were so new to me and relevant to
my situation. Tolle's main purpose with this book is to make people
aware of and become the watcher of what he calls "The egoic
mind.", which is the entity responsible for consuming a person
with thought and taking them out of the present moment. In other
words, when a person finds themselves zoning out in class thinking
about all sorts of random things like what they are going to have for
dinner later, or about how annoyed they are with someone because of
something they did, that is the egoic mind. When a person starts
thinking they have worked hard, so they deserve that piece of
chocolate cake, six pack of beer, or whatever they believe will
"make" them happy, that is the egoic mind. The egoic mind
likes to live in the past and the future and search for continuous
external sources to make it happy. Another thing the egoic mind likes
is to have an identity. It doesn't care what it is, as long as it can
identify with something it ensures it's dominance. Hi, my name is
Bobby, I am a student at American River College, unemployed, and
suffer from anxiety. Albeit a bit clinical, that might be a typical
answer from someone when asked who they are. In actuality however,
non of those things actually represent who a person is. They are
simply words – titles. Don't tell the egoic mind that though – it
needs titles to separate itself from others and make itself unique.
The opposing force of the egoic mind is what Tolle refers to as
"consciousness". When a person is conscious, they are fully
engaged in the present moment and thus dissociate with the egoic
mind. When I am conscious, I am no longer Bobby Cox the unemployed
student with anxiety issues, I am simply in a state of being. Time
seems to stop and I exist only as a lifeform in the universe,
unbiased, and unassuming. Everybody has experienced this state of "no
mind", or consciousness. Playing an instrument or sport, having
a great conversation, sex, designing clothes, or other creative
activities are all ways in which people can reach this state, and not
surprisingly they are things people enjoy doing. However, an external
source is not needed to reach this state. A person could simply be
sitting on a park bench doing nothing, taking in whatever the moment
presents, and be completely conscious. The beauty of moments like
those aside from experiencing life as it is with no expectations, is
that stress, anger, depression, and other forms of negative emotional
based pain cease to exist. Those were the feelings I was consumed by
during that period of despair and the feelings that I feared would
come back and haunt me. After being enriched with the knowledge I was
learning from the book however, the knowledge that I had to the power
to control my thoughts and emotions by becoming the watcher of my
egoic mind, I no longer feared that. My true moment of liberation
however, the moment I would would find my spiritual essence, was
still yet to come.
It was an uneventful Sunday evening in the quiet town of Woodland.
My best friend (also one of my roommates) and I were hanging out and
feeling a bit bored. A couple nights earlier we had some company over
and someone left some weed behind, so naturally we decided to light
up. We killed a bowl and then proceeded to see who could come up the
most ridiculous way to come onto a dance floor. After about an hour
and a half that, Harlem Shaking to dubstep, and cracking one liners,
we
decided to retire for the night and headed up to our rooms. Still
stoned and not exactly ready for sleep, I put on my head phones and
started listening to "The Power of Now". Normally when
listening to the audiotape, it was one "ah-ha!" moment
after another, but this time, I literally felt like I was reborn;
brought from darkness into light. Everything that was being said by
Tolle made perfect sense and with my brain in such a creative space,
I was able to come up with other conclusions related to what I was
listening to, such as the significance of life and death and the fact
that everything is connected despite differences in external form. I
felt like the universe and I were one – that everything I had
experienced in my life culminated to that moment of spiritual
awakening. I felt Godlike, completely present, and in an enormous
state of peace. I felt briefly, during those moments I was
experiencing, that I had plugged in and entered true reality.
I
woke up the next day still on a spiritual high. I heard blue jays
chirping peacefully outside my slightly cracked window and felt the
soothing warmth of the blanket that covered my still tingling body.
Every sensation was magnified a hundred times over. I focused on
every breath I took, feeling the radiant energy of life circulating
throughout me. I never knew that such simple things could make me
feel so alive. I rolled out of bed and glided downstairs across the
the carpet to pour a bowl of cereal, never feeling as though my feet
were touching the floor. I have never had a more flavorful bowl of
Raisin Bran than on that day. As I ate, I gazed out the window and
realized that I then viewed the world in a way I never had before, as
a living being just like myself, so full of life, and with so much to
offer. That feeling would last a couple days until the mundane,
ritualistic activities that dominate much of human life began to once
again take their toll on me, and I would slip back into the world of
today, a world consumed by the egoic mind. I wouldn't slip back
unchanged though. I realized that no matter what was happening
outside of me, I had the power to return to that state of bliss
whenever I wanted. Whenever I felt the egoic mind try to take
control, I became aware of it and concentrated on being present. A
changed man, I was no longer a victim of my thoughts, but becoming a
master of them.
Although the egoic mind has been, and continues to be responsible
for an enormous amount of insanity in our world due to it's constant
wanting for more (despite already having plenty) and desire to
disassociate with others and make itself "right", it is
also responsible for keeping us alive and therefore necessary. It is
our survival instinct after all, preventing us from becoming stagnant
and complacent – it's just completely outdated. It is an instinct
that was developed for dealing with times of severe hardship,
possible lack of food, water, or solid shelter, but we now live in a
time where that is no longer the reality for the vast majority of our
species. Tolle is convinced that we are either going to make an
evolutionary change, (disassociating identification with the egoic
mind and the world of form) and become conscious, or we are going to
destroy ourselves one way or another. Either way, it's just a part of
the cycle of life so it doesn't really matter. You either adapt, or
you die. It's always been like that and it always will be no matter
how simple or complex the life-form. The knowledge I gained from
reading this book and subsequently other books related to it, and the
night of spiritual transcendence I had, were a part of my evolution
as a person. Without them, I'm convinced that I would still be as
attached as ever to my egoic mind – lost in negative thoughts and
identifying with them as my truth. Those thoughts still do cross my
mind from time to time, but as the watcher of my thoughts, I catch
them in the act and put a stop to them. I am in charge now and decide
to choose my own thoughts. Thank you egoic mind for keeping me alive
all these years, but working all that overtime obviously drove you a
little crazy. It's time you took a break from running the show and
let the real Slim Shady – I mean Bobby Cox, stand up.
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