Forgive and Remember

By Bob Cox

Whenever I used to hear a phrase repeated enough times, I had an annoying tendency to accept it as absolute truth. Among the many I've accepted over the years has become a well known cliché; forgive and forget. On the surface, this old saying has the appearance of sage advice, but several years ago I strapped on my psychological scuba gear and was amazed to discover its inherent flaws as I descended into deeper waters.

Here are three common myths associated with forgive and forget.

Myth 1: The value of forgetting. Human interaction is a complex and dynamic fusion of motives and personalities. When one person's actions trigger a negative response in the other, it’s seldom all one persons fault. Usually both parties have contributed something negative to produce the final disastrous results. If someone has caused you to be angry and you're anything like me and replayed the event in your mind over and over until you've become exhausted and sick of yourself, welcome to Club Dysfunction! In all seriousness; however, it's during those moments where you have a great opportunity to learn, grow and change as you review all of your poor responses. Prior to entering my second marriage over 18 years ago, I vowed not to make the same mistakes that contributed to the downfall of my first marriage. Instead, I promised to make all new ones and I can say that I have succeeded admirably in both!

Myth 2: Forgiveness only benefits the forgiver. I do agree with the absolute value of forgiving others and yourself for previous transgressions. When you hang onto anger and refuse to let go because you’re determined to punish your wrongdoer, it’s like wearing a bomb-vest. Sure, the closer you are to the person, the more damage you’ll do to them, but look at how you’ve blown yourself to bits, if you still can! When you choose to forgive another with total authenticity from the heart, not only are you free of the weight of the grudge, you open the bridge of possibilities, where future positive and mutually beneficial interactions can happen and everybody wins.

Myth 3: The roots of anger are sadness about feeling hurt. While that is often the case, especially when there’s a large gap between expectations and results between close relationships like spouses, siblings, parents and their children, it’s not always about sadness and feeling hurt or diminished. Sometimes the roots of anger have nothing to do with hurt feelings and everything to do with feeling disrespected. Regardless of which root system has become toxic, the best possible course of action is to reestablish healthy boundaries and then truly forgive both yourself and the offending party as soon as you are able so that you can begin the process of rebuilding the relationship on healthier ground.

And just one more thing: If you choose not to do this, I will never forgive you!