The Doors of Dysfunction

By Bob Cox

As I was getting ready for work the other day, my wife Diana was watching a recorded episode of the Dr. Phil show titled “Meddling Moms”. It looked interesting, so I prepared yet another tasty mint chocolate chip shake and plopped myself down in the recliner next to her.

Audrey, the daughter of a “meddling mom”, kicked off the show by explaining how her mother Mary had created an unbearable amount of stress in her life. She said her mom was rude, manipulative and tried to destroy her marriage. She claimed that her mom called her up to 10 times a day, told her how to raise her kids and belittled her husband, Matt. Matt went on to describe his mother in-law: "Mary meddles by telling us how to raise the kids, telling us what kind of a schedule they should be on, what kind of clothes they should wear, what we should be doing with them".

Her mother, Mary defended her decisions by claiming she was acting on behalf of her grandchildren who were being subjected to a filthy and abusive environment. "Audrey is a spoiled brat. Audrey does not clean her house, do dishes, wash the floor, do laundry," claimed Mary.

After hearing both sides, the majority of the audience (including Diana and I) had empathized with the daughter. While the daughter and her husband were clearly no angels, it was obvious that the mother appeared to be the primary instigator of the dysfunctional mess by imposing her views on her daughter’s entire family.

And then my perception changed the instant Audrey confessed that she would often reach out to her mother for help, especially when her family needed money to pay bills. That’s when I realized that the doors of their dysfunctional relationship swung both ways. The same person who complained about her meddling mom was the same person that invited her mother over and over into the chaos! I thought to myself, “How can anyone be so unaware and oblivious to how their unhealthy choices would create such a nightmare? Why can’t the daughter see how she is completely responsible for sabotaging her family’s peace by reaching out to such a controlling and unstable person for help?”

Just when I was starting to feel pretty good about myself, my stupid memory had to kick in and shatter my delusion of superiority as I realized that I did the same thing when I was a young adult! Whenever I made a bad decision that created a financial hardship, I would turn to the two people I knew would be there to bail me out…good old mom and dad! Sure, I had to endure a never ending monotonous lecture about how irresponsible I was, how I was inconveniencing them and blah, blah and oh yeah, more blah.

As I look back on the “Bad Old Days”, it’s easy to see that I was the total cause of all the friction between my parents and myself. Once I finally took charge of my life, became completely self sufficient and stopped asking my parents to enable me, our relationship mended over time. By choosing to accept and deal with all the consequences of my actions, good or bad, my self confidence grew and the madness ended immediately.

If you’re having trouble in either a personal or professional relationship and feel like the swinging doors of dysfunction keep slapping you in the face, install a deadbolt immediately! How? By taking the time to reflect back on those negative interactions and accept responsibility for the things you've done to contribute to the toxic environment. As long as you live with the illusion that it’s all the other guy’s fault, the cycle of misery will spin on for eternity. Finally, resolve to not settle for anything less than a future relationship that’s based on mutual respect, compassion and empathy. Most rational thinking people will be delighted by your willingness to initiate a positive change. On the other hand; if the other party refuses to accept those terms, resist the temptation to argue or try to force them to be reasonable. Accept their decision peacefully and lock the deadbolt tight behind them!